Miscellaneous Ramblings

Transition

2011-05-03T12:19:00.002-05:00

Now that spring is upon us I am feeling the changes not just in the weather but in the attitude that it affords. Some will say that it is still cold out and I will say you may still be cold but you are wearing less clothing. That is the true change that I feel when things start to brighten when spring arrives. I can look good again when I dress to go out with style options, both clothing and hair, that are unavailable in the winter months. Winter seemed particularly brutal this year and many longtime residents of Milwaukee have agreed. I felt more trapped, less social and started to feel a little bit crazy as cold weather continued. Now that I am golfing again I am feeling more balanced and less crazy as social activity is increasing and the outdoors is once again enjoyable. There is still a part of me that is restless and anxious about some of the choices I make and I also know how hard I can be on myself. Maybe it is because I am turning 35 but I am less inclined to think an arbitrary number like age can affect me all that much. I think it is more likely that I am feeling a little stuck right now by my life. I love to over analyze and obsess about things and my life, just as I am sure many others have and do, and right now something just isn't making sense or at least feels unsettling. I think I am changing with the weather. Perhaps not entirely because of it but due in some part to the way your environment can spur change such as the famous 'spring cleaning' people do as they air out their dusty homes and flush them with fresh air I too am flushing my mind/body/soul with fresh air literally and figuratively. Sometimes I think I recognize the feeling that I have lately but its more like running into a friend you haven't seen in years who's appearance has changed but you recognize them immediately. The feeling is familiar but definitely unique. It's like I'm approaching something that I can't quite make out but its starting to come into focus little by little. I have noticed patterns in my conversations my behavior and I guess in all of who I am that can lead to clues about what I am experiencing on a deeper level. Interpreting signs in my life isn't something easy. The arc of a particular pattern will vary in length perhaps containing smaller patterns that you mistake for the ending of the larger one only to realize you are still moving inside of it and the end may never come. I feel like I am being to verbose and I often am but as always this blog serves to express my ideas not only to share with other but mostly for my own sake as I can learn something from my own writings that I may not learn just from thinking.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

2011-03-06T11:07:00.005-06:00

When is it enough. We study everything these days in every way imaginable. Another test, experiment, trend, tendency, study, commission, committee, theory, interpretation, examination, you name it we found a way to dissect it. Is there such a thing as too much perspective? How much information is helpful and how much is overkill and/or useless? Has our over analysation led to a lack of originality and spontaneity? Ever since we found a way to domesticate ourselves with the structure of society we have reduced the need to focus on the basic tenets of survival and have the luxury of considering the many sides of the human experience with each generation tightening the focus a little more. We used to just have one kind of doctor but now we have specialists that only know how to cure a problem with your foot but you must find someone else to care for the other important parts of the human anatomy. Defining who we are is hard enough let alone defining what we do for a living or our favorite genre of music. When describing some of the simplest concepts one can lose track of the thing itself by refining the definition until you sacrifice clarity of comprehension. Me, myself I am one of the worst offenders of over explanation and I find great joy in reiterating things in a more concise manner and also know I am verbose to the point of obfuscating the essence of what I am trying to communicate.

The Waiting Game

2011-01-04T13:11:00.002-06:00

As I sit typing these words I am about to embark upon yet another day of work. When I work in the afternoon it feels like a quasi day off. The day never feels right because I am just waiting for the inevitable coming of my shift. Even if I manage to accomplish some small task I usually 'waste' the time before I work sitting around reading the news on the internet and today spending the last few minutes before work talking to the universe through this blog. Today is special in a way since I am not working Wednesday as I normally would so at least I won't come home knowing I must awaken early in the morning for work. It is always the last ten minutes or so where I start to really fidget wanting to leave but not wanting to be early for work. See you in five or six hours. PEACE!

Out With the Old In With the New

2010-12-31T12:45:00.008-06:00

As the circular nature of our world and our life continues we find ourselves at another predictable moment of celebration for an arbitrary occasion. As much as I like parties I have never been a big fan of obligatory soirees. Its too much pressure for me to have a good time when perhaps I just want to have a normal day. Maybe I am just holding on to old ideas that I have been thinking for years and maybe I am coming around on the whole thing but every birthday or holiday celebration always makes me feel like I have no choice in the matter. Acquiesce or face the stigma of going against the grain of not fitting in and being shunned by society(shunned might be a little strong). Perspective always enters into the conversation with me as I am constantly trying to better understand myself, others and our various motivations for our actions. Since I work in retail I find it necessary to fall in line when it comes to the pleasantries that people expect from me in that context. "Good morning", "have a nice day", "sure is cold outside", "what about that local sports team or other relevant information pertaining to our shared experiences". Despite that fact that I am the king of small talk and can over explain anything to my hearts content(this blog being a prime example of that) it gets boring saying the same things over and over again to the same people on the same days. I try to mix it up and give unusual, but coherent, responses to people's statements and questions but I only have so much energy to spend. After a long day at work talking to customers, or even coworkers, I often feel the need to socialize on a more informal level which usually involves me going to my favorite bar to strike up some interesting conversation with the other patrons. For those of you that don't spend much time drinking and talking, although I suspect none of you are reading this blog, you would be surprised how the conversation can wend and weave itself to all kinds of topics. Last night we talked about musical theory a subject I would not expect at a bar. At most bars much of what I overhear involves sports or nonsense, the two may be the same, for as we drink we digress or devolve into comfortable familiar and uncomplicated ideas; it just makes sense not to try and have intense interactions as our faculties are affected more and more by the alcohol. What does any of this have to do with anything? Everything! Our society is structured in predictable ways and most of what we do is scripted to an extent and as the new year fast approaches we are adhering to the script perfectly as we head to our various parties to ring in yet another arbitrary passage of time. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Me, myself, and I

2010-12-12T11:12:00.003-06:00

As I turned another page trying to remember what I had just read moments ago, to maintain a common thread between ideas and characters all the while resisting the urge to turn back and read those pages again. Was it Sean or Paul? Lauren or Judy? So many questions so many perspectives. The previous sentences pertain to the novel "Rules of Attraction" by Brett Easton Ellis that I recently finished. Art reflects life and while this particular novel is not in sync with my life I remember those years of my life fondly and reminisce. I began reading again in earnest when VV brought Chad Kultgen and the afore mentioned Easton Ellis into my life. Two authors with similar perspectives but decades apart. Part of me thinks their writing demonstrates how we tell our life stories, especially how we tell it to ourselves(if that makes the slightest bit of sense). We all have an inner monologue, a narration of sorts where we think through ideas and feelings, where we justify and rationalize behavior to maintain our vision of ourselves, what was referred to in the movie The Matrix as residual self image or more simply identity. Identity can be fluid and constant as we have many personas to juggle between work, family, friends, community, etc. There is of course a connection between all of them where 'I' exist. I feel that concept is lost on some people who become to much of one aspect of who they are. Whether they are defining themselves through work, love, money, or any one of the many possibilities, it is too one sided and lacks perspective. Perspective is one of the greatest gifts we can get from other people. People who challenge our ideas of who we are, or who we think we are, what we think, how we form our beliefs(if we have any at all), and most importantly how we come to terms with our existence inside our collective reality.

Sharing is Caring

2010-11-30T09:20:00.005-06:00

He we go off and running. I wish I could remember the events of the last few weeks with more clarity. All I know is it was a blast. Suddenly, nothing to do-more to do. Struggling to find a groove like a drunk DJ I pulled my shit together and became the best version of myself which entails energy and focus amid chaos and uncertainty. Perhaps my increased social schedule, or perhaps frustration with the status quo are the impetus for my improved outlook and general well-being. Reading has come back into my life thanks to VV and Chad Kultgen, the floor in my room emerged victorious after a harrowing battle with trash and dirty laundry and started wearing a new hat. What more can I say, its not like my life is more exciting but I feel better about it and more involved or active in how I choose to live. Now this week I am rewarded with a 'vacation' of sorts to California and some time away from 'life' as I know it and a chance to reflect and just spend some time doing something else. Anything. Just a break from the routine and environment to which I am accustomed, and then the inevitable realization that it is short lived as it blends into the rest of my life seamlessly. Another memory folded into my existence and I try to maintain the illusion that I understand what I do and why I do it since its all part of the master plan or some shit like that and have another beer cause that is the real reason I am here!

Remember When

2010-09-23T11:10:00.003-05:00

As I searched through emails today making sure I remembered my friends correct birthday I found several emails that we wrote to each other through the years and especially after she moved and then I moved. Keeping in touch with some of my friends seemed easier when I was removed from the comfort of home and needed a touchstone to stem the loneliness I felt from really being away from home for the first time. Now that I live in Milwaukee again, back in my comfort zone, I find I am not as good at keeping in touch with people. Without someone familiar to see everyday and with more time alone I reach out to others much more effectively and I even wrote letters, yes actual hand written notes that the postal service would deliver to the individual based on their physical address, to people as I didn't have a way to make long distance calls for a while. When I was lonely I found ways to connect with my friends and family and now that I have a community again I am not as likely to reach out to those I haven't had contact with in a while. I feel like I don't make time to reach out to others and some part of me feels like I don't have the time, or at least the right time(meaning actual time of day) with my work schedule and the things I do in my free time and even things like cleaning my room that I don't make time for these days. All that is just one giant bullshit excuse of course since how we prioritize our time determines what we accomplish. At least I found time to write today.

Anyone still here? Am I still here?

2010-07-15T16:19:00.004-05:00

I am in fact still here and gearing up for another night of league bowling while doing laundry that has been long overdue. Started writing a post a week or so ago that was interrupted and never resumed and it started something like this. Finally have the motivation to start writing again. I commented to a friend recently about my lack of writing this blog and how my usual method of finding a reason to write has escaped me of late. Rarely do i just sit down and start writing, as I am now, because usually a pattern of some kind emerges from the events of my daily life and then I write about that and how lately I have not seen those patterns emerge. Whether it is from a lack of attention payed to my life or to the details therein or from a lack of a recognizable patten I have not been writing. I then went on to suggest something that in retrospect seems a bit obvious and not very creative of writing about the lack of a pattern. Sounds like philosophical bullshit now but maybe it helped make it okay in my mind to sort of write about nothing in particular. JUST WRITE! Here I am in the middle of the post trying to find some thread that will tie it together but at the same time not really worried if one even emerges. My life since my last post has been really really colorful(to steal a line from a movie). Whirlwind would be a good term to describe some of the things that have happened in the last six or seven months. Freedom, carelessness, beer, golf, music, making out, theatre, pop, dancing, insanity, old friends, new friends, binge, purge, I could go on and on in fact I just did. These are some keywords or characterizations of how my life has wended and weaved its way to where I am today which while not far removed from my last blog post in time is a far far cry from how I live my life now and then. A polar shift of sorts might make more sense. Summer will continue to exert its unpredictable nature on my life and I will go on living and drinking and loveing and golfing...well you get the idea.

The Last Saturday

2009-10-26T12:47:00.000-05:00

Riding on the bus can be like entering a separate reality where time and space no longer exist in their normal state. Maybe it's the fluorescent lighting or the other passengers but if you don't take the bus regularly it can feel very unnatural or even dangerous as you are confined to a space with people you don't/can't trust. Other than that it is nice to have someone else do the driving even if they don't drop you off exactly when and where you want to go. I guess you can consider riding the bus an art form of sorts, an abstract one at that.

Return

2009-06-11T16:39:00.003-05:00

My last post was on March 11th 2009. It seems almost impossible but then I remember I didn't post for a year when I was to depressed to write. That is not the case now in fact it is hard to believe that everything has gone so well. My excuse is plain and simple fatigue. I have been to tired to write. Too tired to make the mental effort to form words and then use those words to form sentences, at least anything that I would consider worth reading. Anytime I found myself with time to write I could not bring myself to even pretend I would write.

A regular customer came in today earlier than usual and started telling me about his day and one of things he said 'it's good day to reflect'. That is something I made more time for these days and part of the reason I have not posted in months. I find most of my post are reflections of recent events and thoughts in which a pattern exists. When the pattern is discovered I write. I don't enjoy writing about my daily activities or working too hard to find a subject about which to write. I want the words to flow out of me for if I pause too long the moment is gone and I find myself lost and will not post an entry that has no importance to me. The lack of reflection and my propensity to get lost in time and lose touch gets in my way when it comes to maintenance, whether it's my blog my health my laundry or any project that I started but never really started and certainly never finished. Once again I make an effort to write and just like anything we will see how long it lasts.

What the Frak is Going On

2009-03-11T09:34:00.002-05:00

This seems to happen to me a lot lately, starting in the middle of my train of thought. Finished reading Vesa's fnord words and couldn't help but feel inspired to write myself after digesting a brilliant rant like that(No thanks I am am full). Working in the restaurant industry for many years has given me a chance to see people out living their lives on a daily basis. Going through the motions with activities and responsibilities that give meaning to what they consider to be existence. How did people 100, 1000 or 10,000 years ago find things to do in daily life. Maybe they were too busy worrying about things like food, shelter, disease to have the time to think of time in terms of daily life. Now that a large percentage of people have the luxury of food and shelter being a given and disease being far less rampant than it was in previous times we have invented all kinds of things to occupy our time. Actions that impart self-importance and reason to our short pointless lives. As I was having my teeth cleaned on Monday the dentist stuck herself in the finger with the needle she was using to inject me with Novocaine and asked me if I was 'healthy' then left the room. She then returned and continued with her work as if nothing had happened happily chatting away about dogs or some other subject with her hygienist. This event did not strike me as odd until the next day when I asked my girlfriend what the dentist meant when she asked it I was healthy curious to know if there any diseases besides aids and maybe one or two others that my dentist could possibly worry about catching. That is about the only way you are going to contract a deadly disease besides cancer unless you engage in risky activity unrelated to your profession. The point of that long boring story is that we have very few things threatening our direct survival everything we fear only threatens our existing quality of life. We have such a small amount of genuine concern that people have time and energy to bother me with their ridiculous wants/needs/desires because the little things like being able to get the kind of soda we want and watch our favorite program on tv, and bitch about shit on our blog, make us feel like we are in control and able to make decisions that affect our life. The title of this blog for anyone not in the know is from a tv show called Battlestar Galactica where the human race is slowly being annihilated and are adrift in space essentially and continue to act as if they are in control and that the things they do makes any difference in the outcome of their lives. when the inevitable outcome of life is death, if your lucky.

Life goes on...

2009-03-02T10:04:00.002-06:00

As I watched the beginning of the movie 'Deep Impact' last night as I refused to try and go to sleep the irony did not sink in. Only this morning as I watched people shovel snow and struggle to drive in it would I understand. In the movie the president tells the US that it is very likely that a giant asteroid is going to hit earth but that life will continue as normal paying bills going to work everything associated with daily life. And as I walked home in the deep fluffy drifts of snow that blanketed the ground watching people struggle to drive and to walk I remembered the quote from 'Deep Impact' and thought that if there was any chance at all that in a year the earth would be destroyed the last thing I would do was continue to go to work, pay bills, or anything considered part of daily life short of eating, sleeping, and shitting. What is it about soldiering on stoically that makes us feel important or gives us self worth. When did the main objective of humanity be merely to keep going no matter in what state or condition just keep going. That sounds like something they teach you in the army. How did we lose touch, if we were ever in touch, with the way we live and for what are we living. It seems to me that all we are living for is cable tv, ipods, porn, suv's, oreos, and any other material object you would care to name. We are wage slaves with no identity, no community, and no reason to live other than to prove to ourselves, and everyone else, that we are strong enough, and stupid enough, to get up and go to work everyday no matter how sick we are, no matter the weather, and no matter how pointless our jobs. It is like one giant world wide pissing contest and the prize for winning is absolutely nothing.

Blogging from iPod touch

2009-02-20T17:23:00.001-06:00

Is it possible that I am now a pretentious asshole because I have this new device. I already have been yelled at for using it too much or for not paying attention cause I am using it. I never wanted to be that guy and maybe I am not but with wifi becoming more and more prevalent it is certainly easier. I know it will make riding the bus more tolerable.

Days go by - II

2009-01-21T10:15:00.002-06:00

The last memory I have of being as scattered as I have felt of late is when I was living in L.A. and working six days a week. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I never got anything done. I was so tired when I got home I wouldn't do laundry or clean up my apartment I would just eat and drink, emphasis on the drink. Then for my one day off I would maybe go to the races, which made my day vanish into thin air as it was a 2 hour drive to the races and when I got home I had to go to bed. When I was remembering this while taking a shower a minute ago it made me realize or remember something important. When you don't make and effort to commit your time to interesting/important/fulfilling endeavors it is easy to spend all your time doing mostly one thing. Since I am not in school I don't work full time or have any regular activities that I engage in it is easy for me to get lost in spending my time being in a relationship. Being more active in a variety of things instead of just a few things might help me focus my energy more usefully than I feel I have been. And not just anything; something that will help change my situation and my station in life.

Days go by

2009-01-21T09:11:00.003-06:00

All the days seem to run together lately and I find myself a little lost in my life right now, almost out of control. I just got interrupted by a phone call where I explained how that now with a girlfriend to spend all my time with I worry about what I am forgetting and what I am ignoring in my life. My time has been all my own, except for work, for so many years that I never had to prioritize it. Right now I can't even figure out what I am forgetting or ignoring since I am not taking the time to reflect that I once did. I have a very active social life and that used to be the only time I had people to spend time with before my new relationship. Now my social life and my relationship leave little time for my time or as I used to call it quiet time. Time to think, be, do nothing interact with nothing save maybe the tv, which is hardly interaction, read anything and everything on the internet I could find. I don't feel that I am giving up an amazing existence to have my relationship but I want to find a way to balance the rest of my life also.
Today my girlfriend started her new semester of college so I expect she will have less time to spend with me which in turn will give me more time to spend with myself. The fact that I met her right before the holidays and in between semesters of school meant less demands on her own time and more time with me. Given my propensity for throwing myself into things it does not surprise me that I find myself in this situation and I hope it doesn't seem like I am complaining because I am just attempting to understand something I have never experienced before in my post adolescent post college the most adult my life have ever been life.

Progression

2008-12-08T14:09:00.003-06:00

Here I am three weeks into a new relationship perhaps a little dazed and confused but enjoying it nonetheless. For me, and I think for her, neither of us were looking for a relationship and yet here we are. We somehow found each other and at a bar no less where I had given up trying to find any meaningful relationships based on past experience and alcohol's involvement in those experiences. Time has really flown by since I started dating her and I am still not bored, not even a little. I guess after not having someone to be intimate and close with for what seems a very long time the change is welcome. Yesterday we spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing and just laying in bed being lazy on a Sunday after a night where we both had too much to drink so the rest was needed. I am really good with people and getting along with them almost no matter what in most social and work situations that I have to be careful that I don't misread my ease with seeming familiar incorrectly because I am very good at telling people, especially ones I don't know that well, what I think they want to hear and I am so happy that I have had no inclination to do that thus far with her. Faced with telling her the truth of exactly what I am thinking when faced with a question I perhaps would rather not answer I find myself telling her exactly how I feel regardless of what I am predicting her reaction to be to what I say. This may not be news to some of my readers, I do have readers right?, but I am a people pleaser and have to fight the urge to speak my mind sometimes since I fear angering others by telling the truth in certain situations. It feels really good not to dodge or ignore what is happening and not be afraid to share what I am not matter what. I could probably sit here and write about this restating the obvious in different creative ways but I feel I have said what I set out to say. See you next time....

More and More

2008-11-20T17:41:00.002-06:00

As I grow more comfortable at my new job I find my life is settling down somewhat. My old job was much more stressful and much less rewarding in small ways like feeling appreciated by your superiors and co-workers. Having worked at The Social for over a year before starting my new job at Wildflour Bakery I forgot that you could enjoy your job a lot more than I was finding myself able to do. This has spilled over into the rest of my life and I am able to feel more positive and relaxed about doing other things which is a dumb way of saying that I feel more active since my job isn't draining me with constant mental strain. More confidence and much clearer thinking are two results that spring to mind as I write this post. I am a little worried about supporting myself in the same way I was able to at my other job but until I get my first paycheck I won't really know. I have also been having more positive social interaction lately and even flirted with a girl at a bar. It seems like forever since I have done something like that. What life will bring me still scares me somewhat as I feel another transition coming soon but my ability to think positively about my future is increasing as is my energy level. Not feeling run down is great. One of the best things I have done lately is I have started gaming again with my friend Vesa and my roommates, and we were joined by more mutual friends last week but I am not sure if they will have continued regular involvement. The stupid holidays are coming up which always throws a wrench in life regularity and rhythm. At least I have this blog where I can toss my thoughts out into the abyss and clean the clutter out of my brain.

New Dawn New Day

2008-11-03T15:28:00.003-06:00

Dawn is exactly what it was this morning as I slogged to work at 6:15 in the AM finally getting to take advantage of daylight savings time, I guess. First day at my new job and it was fine but felt weird as I still feel attached to my former job and didn't remember that I am not going back to work there until I thought about picking up my check and realized I have to make a special trip cause I won't be there tomorrow like usual. Change is something that has always stressed me out but as I get older at least I can see it coming before the panic sets in. My life is exhausting me right now even though I feel like I am on the verge of making some headway in changing my current lifestyle to one that is full of more creative outlets and focused less on hanging out drinking or whatever and working. That is how it has been for years now. Work and hangout and those have been my priorities and continue to be as working has become more of a mental burden than when I was young, strong and figured that was going to last forever. Now I see me and my friends begin the journey from adolecense to real adult hood with inescapable responsibilities and financial and emotional fears that are no longer mired in the drama of my early twenties. I have no fall back position I am in my position and not full of limitless energy and hope that I thought would propel my life in incredible ways once upon a time. And I am not alone in this position, as I previously mentioned, as everyone I know struggles in some way shape or form to create a life more tolerable and fulfilling. My decision to come back to Milwaukee is certainly giving me more opportunities as the relationships I have here are leading me to new and exciting connections that give me hope of finding my milieu.

Darkness Falls

2008-10-23T17:53:00.002-05:00

As the days grow shorter and shorter in terms of sunlight it seems a metaphor for my life. Work is becoming quite the struggle these days as the economy or maybe just shitty management is making me very poor for the time being and actually looking for another job. How seriously will be determined because I told myself I am going to canvass the areas around my house with resumes on Monday. We will see come Monday, although I am sure I will at least go to the ones closest to my house. Sure...sure. It is amazing home only a few weeks have passed since work was good and the only bad things was someone quitting, which meant more money and shifts for me. All of a sudden it seems like I am one of the remaining rats on a rapidly sinking ship. Maybe I will be proven wrong and paranoid but the feeling in my stomach and the attitude of my coworkers tells a different story. It may be ironic that this is happening as we transition to winter when I remember waking up as a child an not understanding why there was no light outside. Well now I am wondering why there is no light inside me lighting more of a fire to change my fate and situation with more urgency. Part of me feels like the stress from dealing with all the negativity and long days, including a 14 hour friday, have just left me exhausted in every possible way. I hope I regain strength and began again the struggle to be happy. Even if only relatively.

Playing the game

2008-10-06T12:01:00.002-05:00

It seems this year has been one giant exercise in futility. What else could possibly go wrong. I should have known that when the patriots didn't win the super bowl that the world was going to end. We are coming to the end of one presidents administration and about to enter another as the world crumbles around us. Financially most of the world is a joke as we try to keep the game going by writing numbers in books and calling it money when money is just an idea. Value is the real question that has been lost along the way as consumerism has enveloped this nation, along with several others. No longer is someone building or making something so that people have access to things they want and need in order to survive and flourish. Things are doled out little by little with several restraints and many rules governing use. Our cell phones suck and cost too much to do very little very well and the internet may be on its way there as well as I find it harder and harder to find something that isn't an ad trying to distract me away from what I am doing or preventing me from doing it all together as they find more and more ways so it is impossible to ignore. We should have access to just about all services for which we pay too much. Pretty soon you will have to pay for everything you want directly. When tv started it was paid for by ads. Then came cable, which still had ads but you were paying for premium content. Now cable is just like regular tv but you are still paying for it because some jackass has to come to your house and plug a cable into a box you don't even need. Why dont we just start over. Write off all the debt figure out what things are valued at and go from there. No more $150 dollar shoes, no more paying for cable, and no more bullshit from everyone cheating us out of our money because they have to have just a little more when pretty soon they will have it all and it will be worthless. I am not sure this rant made any sense.

Smells like clean spirit

2008-09-18T21:37:00.004-05:00

Just got done cleaning my room and getting a new computer desk chair, which is really and old kitchen chair I just cleaned the beer off it. Been wanting to do this for a while but I am not used to having cleaning products like vacuum cleaners and the such. Feels so much better after words, like a good shave. I remember my buddy adam saying that his to do list is called a happy list. A bunch of stuff you have to do don't want to but once you do you will be happy. So much of what we do is so that we can achieve happiness and most people have lost sight of important ideas and become consumed with consumption. As long as I have my big screen tv, my cable, internet and free porn(from the internet) I am happy and I need not concern myself with other interests lest I get distracted from distracting myself. Mostly what we consume is media. We are watching, listening or somehow engaging ourselves in merely observing life happen and such a short time interacting with the outside world and what is pertinent to our long term survival; which sure would make me happy. I will drink and smoke away these troublesome thoughts so I can tune out the rest of the world and all the ignorance that is happening before my eyes.

The Network Network

2008-09-17T19:02:00.002-05:00

Joined yet another internet social networking website called twitter. I had heard of it but never bothered to look it up until my sister got me to join. Pretty soon I am going to create a social networking site that helps you keep track of all your memberships and then you could link information between the two so you don't have to post stuff on more than one site. The more I write about what is supposed to be a joke the better the idea sounds. I wonder if there will be a cyber war between myspace and facebook someday and we will all have to choose sides. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH. Choose wisely or you will die in the first wave.

Time to make time

2008-08-24T19:18:00.002-05:00

Much has happened since my last blog post including regret over not posting more on this blog. Work has been up and down and even had a wedding to go to this last weekend for my best friend Jacob. The wedding took place very far north Wisconsin in a town called Ashland, farm country. Had a fire some surprises and quite alot of beer. Being there in what amounts to wilderness these days for me made it hard to come back to the busy city and all that it holds. It felt good to be away from everything and be able to disconnect and focus on other things with out the distractions of usual everyday life. The place has something to do with it but more than that it was the people. I have a feeling that no matter where we were we would have a great time. Great friends, old friends, and the like we in attendance and I got slated to play the processional and recessional music on the violin, which I did not initially want to do but was happy I did ultimately. I brought my own violin but ended up having some serious serendipity when I discovered that there was a violin maker in our midst and sought him out. Playing on his violin, which not only sounded much better than mine but also brought significant sentimental value to the experience due the closeness of the maker and the bride and groom, not to mention me. One of the best parts was the band they had to play the reception. Maybe it was all the beer and celebration but everyone was in agreement that they were crazy stupid wicked awesome. Played lots of cuban covers and a few others but tore it up and played three encores because we wouldnt let them stop playing. There are many many stories from this trip that without major context are lost on a general audience and my energy for such laborious explanation escapes me at the moment. All in all an emotionally draining and spectacularly wonderful event.

Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday

2008-07-20T17:58:00.002-05:00

Can I get you anything else? So that was five bloody marys a mohito and a pitcher or mimosas...You guys all set? Ready to order? That was all I said for about five hours today during my brunch shift today. After a while you realize you've already made god tips so then you don't really want anymore tables cause you are tired and just want to sit down for five minutes but no I have to get a carafe of hot water so this lady can have hot water and lemon to drink along with her bloody mary. Now it is time to relax and get something to eat.

The big news of this weekend is the release of Dark Knight on thursday and which I promptly went and saw at 12:50PM on saturday. I rarely go and see movies on opening weekend or at all sometimes but this was well worth it. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone so I will just say that it is a good movie and I liked it very much. A complete movie that was more movie and less blockbuster will smith bullshit. Go see it and I doubt it will disappoint.

I am tired and sore and must go zone out on something.

Enough already

2008-07-10T17:13:00.002-05:00

Thursday afternoon getting ready to go bowling just got home from work. It is day 4 or 5 or 6 of the Brett Favre watch as ESPN, and countless other stations, continues to beat this story, or non-story in my opinion, on whether or not ol Brett is gonna come back and sling it for one more season. I understand that the media is going to report whatever they have to for higher ratings but I have had all I can take. Until I hear Brett Favre or the Packers or someone with actual information not speculation I consider the whole thing first to be bullshit and second the worst idea ever. The Packers could finally move on to the post Favre era in good stead and not in complete rebuilding mode with a good team and what seems to be a decent QB and then this comes along and screws it all up and turns the whole situation into a joke. I know boxers retire and unretire all the time but other athletes when they retire have no choice and are physically unable to peform at a high level any longer while others are simply no longer wanted. Favre got it his way and walked away after a great season where I was not hoping for or against him coming back for one more year and, at least to this point before the season has started, fine with the decision from a fan standpoint. Now there is a pointless media storm that is frankley just starting to piss me off.

Monday Morning II

2008-06-30T14:15:00.003-05:00

Although there is no specific connection to the previous post it is likely that alot of posting will be done on Monday's since it is my one weekday off and immediately follows the weekend where most of the world's population has been conditioned and brainwashed to engage in most of their free time activities after a week of being a slave to our corporate economy. Now that I have gotten a little cynicism out of the way I can move on.

I spent this weekend in Amherst/Stevens Point Wisconsin celebrating the birthday of one of my friends as she turned 30. Her band played the party and I also got to see the rehearsal the night before marking the first time I have seen her live since I got the CD they made years ago. I drank too much beer, smoked too much everything, and got barely any sleep. Being in the 'country' and away from the hustle and bustle of the city is important to get some perspective, some peace of mind, and the aforementioned drunk. I went up with my roommate and close friend as we both lived with the girl during our college years.

We left on Friday night about 6:30 and as we are getting ready I am putting music on my ipod and suddenly notice that about 13GB of music is missing from my computer. Pretty much my whole collection of which I no longer have the cds given my now minimalist lifestyle. This really pissed me off something fierce but I had to get it out of my head as I headed north to enjoy the various festivities. I successfully managed not to dwell or even mention the problem to anyone else deciding it was best to deal with once home on Sunday. I get home last night and after unloading the car and what not I tackled the computer problem. Doing what I think everyone does when they have a problem these days I searched the almighty internet. My first searched yielded the results I was looking for and by the time I went to sleep I had recovered all my lost music files. Super freaking awesome.

Monday Morning

2008-06-23T12:30:00.000-05:00

Just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends who has to have back surgery to fix a bulging disk. The news is sad to hear but at the same time great that we had a great long conversation about everything we have missed out on in each others lives as of late. Which leads me to one of my new goals: do a better job maintaining current relationships. I want to create new history with people I have known a long time so that we are more than just old friends. It has been a very strange journey these last many years and all the moving around and change that has gone on in my life has put the focus back on my personal relationships and how important it is to me that those remain up to date and healthy. There are many different kinds of friends with a wide range of closeness and familiarity and it is not always easy to make sure you are keeping up with the ones that are the most precious to you. I had a conversation with a longtime friend of mine about how lucky we are to know the people we do and how we need to utilize each others talents to figure out and challenge each other on how we are living and what we are living for. Life for my generation has been much different than that of most of our parents and much less clear on what and more importantly how you are supposed to do things especially for those of us who's parents are not in any position to council us on our lives when they have a hard enough time with their own. I have no conclusions only questions and ideas that are ever changing.

My tooth can't handle the truth

2008-06-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

Went to the dentist today for the first time in years and years and as suspected it was not good news. It was not horrible news but mostly just really expensive sounding, close to $1000 when all is said and done. I have to have my teeth rooted and planed which means they will scrape under my gum where all the bad stuff lives and I guess that going to give me a chance to improve my dental hygiene permanantly if I begin to have a strict regiment of care once I get the super cleaning. It was depressing on so many levels. Financially and physically I am kind of in disbelief it was much easier to live in blissful ignorance but I am guessing it will be much better to live and informed life full of teeth, my teeth. Its almost hard to belive I did this to myself but easy to understand how it happened.

Previously in Chester's Life.....

2008-06-07T15:42:00.001-05:00

Here I am back in Milwaukee trying to revive my blog, my writing, and my sanity. I am sure any previous readers that I had are now since long gone but I persist none the less. Getting your life interrupted can change things in ways you never perceived and one of those changes was unfortunately the discontinuation of this blog. I stopped writing initially due to moving from Los Angeles to Milwaukee and I was too busy organizing what remains of my possessions and trying not to go crazy all at the same time. Upon my most triumphant return to brew city my living situation unsettled led to more of me not writing. It is a shame too because I had so much energy at that time and there were a lot of things happening to me and then once the energy waned and some of what I see as negative things occurred leaving uninspired and listless. I don't know if there is a tunnel or a light at the end of said tunnel but if there is and I can see it I may be emerging from it as I type these very words, kind of a stranger than fiction kind of thing if you are up to date on your pop culture references. I find that as my life becomes more organized I am more frustrated by my lack of decisive living and getting less enjoyment out of my usual distractions. Hopefully this will spark some positive change in my life that I feel has been missing lately but that I feel closer to now than I have in months.

Strange Bedfellows

2007-04-25T19:03:00.000-05:00

Something Blog worthy finally happened to me recently at work. At woman who works a few doors down requested that I deliver some food to the hair salon she works at because she wanted to know who I was. This would be unusual enough as it is since I am not usually approached by people, let alone women, in this manner. I take the delivery and talk to her for a minute but just small talk as I have to get back to work. Then she comes in for lunch a few days later and we talk again. When she leaves and I say goodbye I clear her table and she that she wrote something on her check where we have a comment section; it was her e-mail. After unsucessfully trying to meet with her again I e-mail her and ask if she wants to go for a drink. This was Friday and I hear nothing all weekend and then finally on Monday when I get home from work there is new message waiting for me. It is from her. Cool, I think maybe she is interested. I begin reading her message and she was gone all weekend cause she was at a type-o negative show. Then towards the end of the message she mentions a very important piece of information........she is married.

Her being married doesn't make me upset or dissapointed but intesad extremely curious. Why would a married woman in her early thirties approach me with seeming interest. I would think that sort of thing can be dangerous or a least frowned upon by her husband, you know that 'man' in her life. Not to mention that she said she would like to have a drink with me before she said she was married, somehthingts gotta give. I saw her again today and talked to her after I left work and we made 'tentative' plans to get a drink next Wednesday and she asked if it was okay if she brought her husband and covering her bases by saying we could also have a little one-on-one action sans her spouse another time. I understand that she would want to bring her husband cause she has no idea who I am really but she also took care to include the 'we can hang out alone' thing also. This intrigues the shit out of me since I can't figure out why she approached me in the first place in the manner that she did which sends a pretty clear 'I am hitting on you stupid'. We shall see my friend. Course it could be that her husband and her are into crazy three-way action if you know what I mean, hubba hubba. I just have to know the 'truth' of why she approached me in the fist place. As Johnny would say 'That is weird wild stuff, I did not know that'.

WTF!!!!!!!!

2007-03-29T18:55:00.000-05:00

Over a month since my last post and I am sure that working six days a week at a restaurant have nothing to do with it. I am never tired and I can always accomplish my goals on time and I never engage in gluttony of stigmatized substances in order to cope with the stress of everyday. Having gotten that out of the way here is what is really happening. Work is turning into an episode of Knots Landing, and for those of you too young or lucky enough not to know better that is a soap opera from the eighties, and it driving me a little bat shit insane. Today was one of those days in a long string of "one of those days" that I almost couldn't handle all the bullshit. The phone was ringing off the fucking hook and everybody wanted something from me and I have little or no help. Some fucker that we deliver to called and complained for the umpteenth time and it is of course all my fault since I am not human and do not make mistakes or rely on other to do their job so I don't have to hold their hand while they do it. So I had to explain to my boss why the guy who called to complain yesterday, about something that happened weeks ago so I could not remember the specifics in order to justify and defend my actions, called again today and wasted my time chewing me out for a bunch of bullshit that is out of my hands and is just one of those things on one of those days. Of course the guy who already hates me calls to order when I am running around with my head cut off busy almost beyond my control, almost, and then I forget one fucking thing on his order and that is it he can't eat his breakfast without his damn baguette so he wants his money back. But that is not all he wants really. He is upset and wants to take it out on me just like yesterday when the same fucking guy lead her to take out her frustration on me ultimately coming from him. To top it off the plumbing got clogged and water was everywhere and I am breathing in bleach fumes all damn day and when the rush is over the cooks and the dishwasher clean everything up, after the roto rescue guy came two hours late, and I am standing there like a dumb ass not helping and the cooks are understandably upset. Luckily I am a good worker and they told me today that is was okay and we are still cool but to keep what was said to myself since the other staff, ie the delivery guy and my boss, didn't help either but didn't even care. That is my long ass drawn out story which although the events have changed over the weeks is the story of everyday these days. Thank god tomorrow is Friday and then I get my one day off to decompress, do laundry, watch NCAA March Madness and smoke and drink too much.

Change Is All Around

2007-02-21T22:59:00.000-06:00

The only thing you can count on is change. The times they are a changin. Change is all around. Here in Hollywood the Oscars are coming to town and traffic is a bitch. Luck me I take the bus and despite the traffic woes it still somehow takes me about the same amount of time to get home as I watch those in their vehicles struggle to make head way as they all fight for position in a gas powered version of automobile musical chairs. Friends are moving or changing their life direction and I myself am still on a journey of my own. One of the changes that I have been working on for many weeks now as I have been revamping my wesite yet again with all new code written entirely by me and looking very swank if I do say so myself. I have finished the last detail of making the front page actually have the correct links to my new pages. I will be moving my site eventually to my new domain name chesterriddles.com so look for that in the future. So check out my site and see if it works on your browser and if you enjoy the new content, although very little mostly the new Milwaukee link in the Locals section, and give me some feedback before I make the big move so when I get my new site it works correctly and everyone can view it properly. This message brought to you by the illuminatti.

Just another day.....

2007-02-11T19:46:00.000-06:00

Post Super Bowl/Pro Bowl haze is now washing over me as I await the start of baseball spring training and the beginning of the NBA playoffs. Now that I work I have much less energy to post on this here blog even though I still have many entertaining things to talk about formulating all those ideas into coherent writing is time consuming. Life moves on and one of the ways I am showing that is the acquisition of a bank account adding yet another level of permanence to being in LA. I am pretty sure I am will be able to make rent of $700-$800/month, stupid Hollywood prices, and still have enough money to have a life occasionally and buy plenty of beer. It is so nice to be back amongst the living and seeing and talking to new people everyday after being an unemployed shut-in for several months. I get plenty of LA crazies and talking to my customers is always nice, customers are people too...when they tip at least 15%.

Sick and Tired

2007-01-27T10:12:00.000-06:00

I got a cold on Sunday night after the Colts amazing come from behind victory over the Patriots. I was already mostly drunk and I went out walking in the cold to go have some fun and I got a haircut on Sat. so I didn't have that to keep me warm. I am mostly over it know although some congestion still lingers today. The new job is going well and I am getting better and better everyday as the procedures become much more routine and therefore don't take as long. The best thing so far about my job is the fact that they feed me everyday and it is good food. Much better than the shit I had to eat when I worked at Corky's. I am not sure about how much money I will be making on a regular basis since there is no regularity in the restaurant biz and it is January one of the slowest months. One other thing is how early I have to get up and consequently how early I go to bed. Last night, today is my day off, I went to bed at 11:30 just because I couldn't stay up any later but I don't really mind I have been getting up late for a long time now first because of the hours I worked at the "Cork" and then because I was unemployed so it is nice to have a change of pace an be a morning person again even if I have no choice.

End of an Era

2007-01-15T17:21:00.000-06:00

I did something I never thought I would do today; I sold my mustang. After six years of trouble and grief coupled with being almost completely broke I accepted the $500 and now it is someone else's problem. I have loved and hated that car for years and now the sleeping demon has finally been put to rest. I could no longer wait until the day I could fix the car a don't even know how many things are wrong with it and it doesn't even start any more although the engine cranks. So long old friend(tear).

The Computer is Dead....Long Live the Computer

2007-01-12T11:56:00.000-06:00

This is the wave of the future and very likely what the next computer will look like. I found this on technovelgy.com.

Good and Tired

2007-01-11T11:29:00.000-06:00

Things have been rather hectic in my life and uncertain which is probably why I have not been posting recently. One of my goals for being out here is accomplished as I have finally found gainful employment. Oddly enough it is a job I initially did not get but received after the person they hired did not work out. It is called Cafe Marly and it is in Beverly Hills, 90210. Don't get too excited by the pictures you see for the Melrose location because I have not been there and am not sure when I will get a chance to work there. The Beverly Hills location is very small almost cramped and although I have not been to Melrose I am guessing it is quite the opposite.

The other waiter I have met, the delivery guy, and the manager who hired me are all french giving me a unique opportunity to improve my french and hopefully take my comprehension skills to the next level. I have had two days in a row of employment and today is my first day off, one of most important things about having a job is the times you are not there. I am finally tired from doing something other than staying up too late drinking ar watching tv and then getting up early. I am tired because I am using my body not just for sitting on the couch anymore. It is too soon to say that this is my dream job but if I think a little hard about it any job I got at this point would have to be my favorite due to lack of competition.

Championship

2006-12-26T12:38:00.000-06:00

So nfl.com sucks and took off the video that I had up here but I found it on youtube but it is all the commercials in a row so just watch the first two they are the funniest.

For those of you that don't know there is a competition known as Fantasy Football. Every year you pick from all available NFL players and make a "fantasy" team and matchup against the other teams in your league and eventually have a playoff.

I have emerged from the fray victorious and with much joy and have been crowned Cheese Bowl 2006 Fantasy Football Champion. Unfortunately I had to beat two of my best friends in the process and I will never let them forget it for as long as humanly possible. As I tried to explain the finer points to my sister I mentioned that fantasy football has been one of the few things I have looked forward to and one of the only things that has gone right for me in some time. That is why this year is sweeter than the first time I won. I haven't done much recently and what I have done has not gone the way I would have liked. But in fantasy this year I could do no wrong. As George Peppard's character Hannibal on the show "A-Team" always said: "I love it when a plan comes together"

One Of Us

2006-12-15T13:51:00.000-06:00

Cursing myspace was one of my favorite pastimes before I joined and now I kind of like what is has to offer, but secretly I think joining is like drinking the punch at a scientology meeting. Had a reunion of sorts last night with an old friend from high school who I found on myspace which has helped to spur the turnaround in my view of it.

I met Angela at Fred's 62 a trendy diner with the breakfast anytime menu and a wine and beer selection. Talk about best of both worlds. Now I can finally realize my dream of Guinness pancakes....mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Seriously though we had a great time catching up and reminiscing about old times and gossiping about what classmates are doing now. There was something very comfortable about the whole situation despite the 12 years it has been since we have seen each other. Of course I am one of those people that easliy picks up right where I left off the next time I see an old friend. Best of all I have finally gotten together with someone in L.A. that lives here and I know. Not friend of a friend but now my friend, which may sound like somewhat of a possesive statement but I mean it in the sense that I feel more like I have done something for myself and reached out to someone to start establishing new relationships here on my own.

As we left Fred's we walked past a movie theater that she frequents and I told her about my how I went to this weird group interview at a theater where they literally interviewed everyone together. When I mentioned the name of the theater(Arc Light) Angela said "Oh no!" and I wasn't sure what her exclamation was referencing and she told me it is a theater run by scientologists. All of a sudden everything clicked. After the interview when they told me and some others that they we not going to continue the interview process with us and that we could go. One of the others inquired as to what it was they did not like and they said that we did not seem to be listening to the others when they were talking and were not engaged. This pissed me off to no end and I got very defensive not because they did not want to hire me but because he gave a bullshit reason why. He didn't have to answer the question he could have just said that the other candidates seem to be a better fit or something to that effect. But he had to go and say what he did and it just didn't make any sense. The others were not talking to us and sometime while other people were talking I was thinking of my answer to the question they asked, which were all ridiculous, and so I was "engaged" in forming my response and not in giving a shit what the other applicants were saying, especially since they were not talking directly to me and we were not having a group discussion. Obviously I feel strongly about this matter and I have ranted to no end about it most likely incoherently to you poor readers. The point is that I could not figure out what made me no annoyed almost angry about what transpired and when Angela told me that is was a damn scientology run theater it all made sense. How's that for making a long story even more excruciatingly long.

The job search has picked up considerably and I have had several interviews in the last week and a half but still no job. It seems more like a matter of time now as opposed to the despair I felt only a short time ago.

I'm Chester Riddles and I'm just......LIVIN' THE DREAM!

What a difference a day makes

2006-12-06T02:38:00.000-06:00

I have had quite the emotional day and a half as I have had to come to terms with my situation here in L.A. and my recent struggles to find work. Coming to grips with the fact that I am here and really can make something out of this move finally hit me. Sitting around doing nothing is not helping me; getting out today and really looking for work in a proactive way and not just filling out applications does help. I still feel pressure but it is different. Lately it has been beating myself up for not doing more and having negative thoughts about who I am. Today it changed, hopefully for more than just one day, to the kind of pressure I used to feel when I had to finish a paper for class in college. Pressure with focus and concentration. Remembering that I am good at starting conversations and knowing what and when to say it.

This isn't even what I logged on to write about but then the words began writing on their own. I wanted to write about how I write. During an e-mail explaining my day to my sister and brother I noticed how easy it was to compose the message. When I try to write well or be deep or funny I handcuff myself by overthinking what I am doing, one of my specialties. Writing with more of a flow happens when I have something to say and there is no effort or intention to do it a certain way. Since I have just started writing again regularly on this blog I think my writing is starting to come back into shape. I had a discussion about my writing with my friend E$. While I am not a brilliant writer who has crafted my skill by reading other great authors I am a natural writer who has his moments when everything comes together and makes me proud that I wrote it.

Soup To Nuts

2006-12-01T15:24:00.000-06:00

Finally saw Clerks 2 last night. Any fan of the original or other Kevin Smith work will certainly enjoy this installment. After watching I commented on how the two movies spanned my adolescence in a way. Even though I was only 10 years old when the first movie came out I saw it soon there after and immediately loved it. When the new one came out I was a little weary thinking it was only made to cash in on the now cult classic original. That is certainly a little true but it was still good but maybe a little sappy at the end, and no cool speech by Silent Bob at the end like usual that was disappointing. Overall it was a good and one of favorite parts was the Blues Brothers like musical/dancing number to ABC by the Jackson 5. If you haven't seen it see it! You will like it.

Hollywood Nights

2006-11-26T15:11:00.000-06:00

If any event deserves the expression "you had to be there" this is it. Here is my story.

Typical evening out and we are making our way to the last stop of the evening, a karaoke bar on Sunset. After greeting some familiar faces, having a smoke and a beer, it is brought to my attention that certain celebrities are in attendance. Justin Long star of the movie Waiting is present drinking with some of his friends. Another person catches my eye and as my brain clicks away the answer is proposed to me. Part of the entourage is one of the "stoners" from Super Troopers , Joey Kern. "Last Call!". Drinks are finished as the lights are up and everyone is exiting. Once outside no attempt is made to call attention to the celebrities now whooping it up in front of the bar. Departure is eminent and upon entering the car I instruct the driver to slowly pass the entrance of the establishment where the celebs are still congregating. As we roll past them with the window down I shout dialogue from Super Troopers delivered by Joey Kern- "He's already pulled over he can't pull over any farther." A rush of adrenaline surges through my body as I revel in my triumph. Others in the car are rather shocked by my outburst and only the driver fully comprehends the exhilaration I feel. During the drive home I relive the moment over and over again. Once home I try to capture in writing what transpired while the events are fresh in my mind. The rush begins to fade and sleep must come. Just another night in the "City of Angels".

ONE MAN ONE WORLD IN A WORLD GONE MAD

Whatever Happened To...

2006-11-20T04:29:00.000-06:00

Good ideas are in short supply these days. Diversity amongst ideas are rarer still. Everyone has an opinion and people feel their opinions are unique for the most part as we are all individuals. One of the tv shows I like watching is "Real Time with Bill Maher" on HBO. I enjoy the discussion of topics and the exposure to information. As talk shows go this is one of the more enjoyable ones as there are no commercials you can swear and there seems to be less of an agenda. Tonight on the last show of the season I found the panel of guests particularly entertaining consisting of Richard Dreyfuss, some journalist, some artist/activist, Dan Rather, and Norman Lear. Civics was the main focus and they talked about teaching people what our country is and how it works. How we no longer participate in the running of our country and we are mostly distracted by catch phrase politics and whatever else is the flavor of the day in news. When did we forget that representation does not mean let someone run the country while we go about our lives and that it takes actual responsibility to effect change. Although I may not be in a postition to criticize it seems that our country reflects what we are or have become. There may be no hope for utopia but there is hope for another iteration of of our lives. Priority seems to be a source of the trouble we see everyday we are alive. We are all trying to win a race that never ends. By worker better, faster, stronger, we don't win anything. This isn't a gameshow where you recieve lovely parting gifts or a grand prize, although I am tempted to trade it all for what is in that tiny box. Complication of government, religion, and politics make my head spin at times when I try to imagine the start to a resonable soultion to the problems these and other institutions have caused. Is my life a mess because of the world or is the world a mess because of my life. YES. I mentioned in the previous post a passage that I read. The closing of it seems to fit well here and it is one of the things most on my mind. "We have to accept personal responsibility for uplifting our own lives".

FREEDOM!!!!!!

2006-11-18T03:09:00.000-06:00

Thank you VesaV. Thank you for being the ispiration for my trasformation for the phoenix to the flame. "A great deal of chaos in the world occurs because people don't appreciate themselves." said a wise man, a man wiser than myself. I have had it all along and known it all along. The passage of which I speak of is from Shambala. Most of you know Shambala from a song by "Three Dog Night". For me it is a reawakening of my spirit to the person I once was an forever shall be! The words expresed made me realize that no matter what I think I must trust in what I know. I must appreciate the thing that I am. I am reborn a man with conviction and purpose. I am he who is called "I am".

M! GO BLUE!

2006-11-16T15:52:00.000-06:00

Everything I know about sports started with this game. Its the biggest game of the year in college football. In case you have been oblivious to college sports in your lifetime every year two teams in college football play their last game of the season against each other every year. There are many great rivalries in sports but few have the magnitude of Michigan vs Ohio State. ESPN et all will tell you "this year is different", "this year means more", "this is your national chamionship". For fans of this game the fact that Ohio State is #1 and Michigan is #2 matters and they care, but it doesn't make any difference. If both teams lose every game all season as long as they win this game it was a success. This game can't get any bigger.

A Week of Mondays

2006-11-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

Reading Vesa's blog which revolves around the idea of "Monday" helped put into focus the way I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks. Failure to get the job for which I interviewed and already slipping into malaise I have been feeling like everyday of my life is like the first day of school and you don't want to go. Once you get older you can decide for yourself and crawl back into bed. Staying up later and getting up even later has turned my world into a very strange place where every day and week are the same. Feelings do nothing but destroy my will. Motivation to live a life of and on my own gives me regret and regret makes me angry. Willingness to control my emotions and the choices I make eludes me and confounds me as I continue to act in a manner contrary to peace of mind. The later it gets to the next day the more I dread it and when the morning comes distraction takes me to 5 o' clock and pretty soon the day is done along with the week and month. Perhaps I have invented some sort of sadistic time machine where time moves forward but repeats the actions of the past. I think they call that insanity.

Elvis Has Left The Building

2006-11-10T04:09:00.000-06:00

I'm back ladies and gentlemen. I here till Thursday don't forget the 12 o' clock show is completely different than the 8 o' clock show. When you are on the floor never gamble more than you can afford and always tip your waitstaff generously.

I have updated my website to make it truly sexy and unforgettable and actually changed a few things to make it worth the while to checkout. Never under estimate the Chester.

No Man's Land

2006-11-10T03:58:00.000-06:00

What is it with me and seriously depressing posts? I don't know. But I find myself in the middle of nowhere but somewhere at the same time. The job I was hoping for doesn't seem to be coming to fruition. In the search for a life I am here in L.A. or Hollywood as I like to call it. My only happiness is found in a cigarette or a bottle of some kind of alcohol. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Steelers Wheel baby and nothing to do and nowhere to go. Thanksgiving coming up and Denver, CO in the horizon. What to do but finish my drink, smoke the butt of another cig and pray to god as I distract myself from life itself. At least Louisville lost and my fantasy football hopes are still alive. I certainly don't resemble anything alive at this point. Could I be more melancholy, perhaps but it would take more effort than I am prepared to offer. Good night and good luck.

"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."

2006-11-01T02:50:00.000-06:00

Been a while since my last post and Holloween has come and gone and for the first year I didn't dress up or go to any parties. My roommate went to Vegas for the weekend so I was home alone. I spent my time playing the awesome game Godfather and finished it in 41:45:39 and became Don of NYC baby. I am sorry the game is over but glad in a way because it means I can stop playing it. It it what the kids call video crack and you don't even need a pipe to smoke it. On a more serious note I finally! have a job interview at Bubba Gump Shrimp restaurant tomorrow and hopefully my long job search will come to an end very soon. Other than that not much going on but the same old goings on.

Sweet Victory!

2006-10-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

It may not mean much and it certainly is only one small step but today the Packers achieved a victory bringing their record to 2-5 this year with a 34-24 win over Miami. Awakening at 9 in the AM, since I live in the pacific time zone, I rolled out of bed to watch football. The game starts at about 10 which is too early for football and to be honest feels a little unnatural especially since one cannot begin drinking unless you are an alcoholic. This is the first game I have seen the Packers win since their other win came when my sister visited and I chose her over football like a good brother. So I return home safe, sound and a little happier thanks to the outcome of a game.

Beyond Cool

2006-10-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't recognize the picture that is the one and only Chesney "Chet" Baker. He is one of my favorite if not my favorite jazz musician of all time. Renown for his trumpet playing and his mournful crooning he embodies "cool" jazz made famous by the likes of Miles Davis. Miles is perhaps the reason Chet is overlooked by music fans who are only aware of more popular jazz and recognizable names like Charlie Parker, Benny Goodman, etc. As I was burning all my Chet CD's onto my computer I started to obsess a little bit and did a search for him. What I found surprised me. They are planning a movie about him for 2007 starring Josh Hartnett. I am not going to comment on the choice of actor but I am interested to see if they can make an exceptional movie. If you don't know Chet Baker's music then find out.

Check out this link to my webpage where I have an audio clip of Chet for your enjoyment.

My Music

2006-10-17T18:28:00.000-05:00

While searching about how to sexy up my blog I came across this site last.fm that monitors what music you play on your computer and makes into a radio station. On the site it describes it as such "Subscribers may listen to the Personal Radio of anyone, but non-subscribed users may only tune into the Personal Radio of someone that is subscribed." So if you don't pay you can listen to people's station that pay but not people who don't pay and if you pay you can listen to anyone's station. Pretty cool I think but I have just started using it so we will see. It also has a feature that you see at the top of my blog that lists the last five songs I have listened to although I kinda screwed up when adding the code cause it turned the info under the chart into part of the link to the station page. But whatever I will figure it out eventually or maybe someone smarter than me will tell me what the dealy-oh-yo! Not much else going on except me being super unproductive today, except for this incredibly important blog work of course, and I also have to mention the unbelievable Monday Night Football game last night between Arizona Cardinals(choke) and the Chicago Bears(lucky as all get out) that came down to the very bitter(if you are a Cardinals fan) bitter end. Peace Out!

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen?

2006-10-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

Today is Friday the 13th and unlucky for some reason which scares people. Perhaps there is a reason why sesame street never counted higher than twelve. I can tell you that today Justin Timberlake is appearing on Jimmy Kimmel; my friends are going to see it live and that is scary as hell. By skipping this event I may escape the wrath of this day or maybe like death it will find me no matter where I run.

Chester's Believe It Er No!

2006-10-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

Just in case anybody who knows me and reads this blog wasn't sure I am completely insane here is proof.

Some would say there are no coincidences but those people just aren't paying attention. As I watched tv last night at about 2:30 in the AM I saw an episode of "Becker", starring Ted Danson,(and no that is not why I am insane) and simultaneously on Comedy Central I saw the movie "Back to School", starring Rodney Dangerfield. If that isn't weird enough I noticed something so inane that I almost surprised myself. Almost. The actress Terry Ferrell, who many know from "Deep Space Nine", is in "Becker" and "Back to School". But that is not the interesting part(you are saying to yourself "but how could it get anymore interesting...I am bursting with interest") let me tell you the interesting part. Not only is the same actress in both programs I watched but she is doing essentially the same thing in the movie and tv show. In "Becker" her character had to enroll for a college course and didn't want to wait in the long line so she sends the blind guy, Alex Desert, who must be so happy I referred to him as the blind guy and not the black guy, and hijinx ensued. When I turned to Comedy Central to watch "Back to School" she had just cut in line to enrol for college courses so she didn't have to wait in line, but with Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Downey Jr., and the non famous guy who plays the son. It that irony or what. For those of you that are still reading this entry I know it was worth it and go ahead and gloat about it to those who found this entry boring and didn't finish to find out the incredible twist waiting for them at the end. CONGRATULATIONS.

waondering

2006-10-09T20:33:00.000-05:00

the title is not a typo but rather a combination word when I couldnt decide whether I am wandering or wondering and trying to find a difference between the two. Reading vesa has once again gotten the juices flowing in the psyche of my mind even if my vocabulary is lacking. Words words words I find words and speech and thought so frustrating as I am unable to conceive certain things in a more tangible manner and unable to control my word thoughts and unable to express them to my sastisfaction. What is the point anyways since most of the time we think we are communicating or attempt to do so we are really having a conversation within ourselves in the context of "I" and the others who we communicate at are sounding boards to make our thought our min d alive somehow instead of dying in our minds/brains like a hard drive being overwritten. Deal with that.

Day After Day

2006-10-09T14:33:00.000-05:00

I did not know what today was, other than Monday, until I woke up and was informed that it is Columbus Day. I am not sure if I have to capitalize the word day but any english teachers out there can correct me. My roommates have the day off as we celebrate guy, possibly itlian, running ashore on the Bahamas and according to wikipedia "Columbus visited San Salvador in the Bahamas (which he was convinced was Japan), Cuba (which he thought was China) and Haiti (where he found gold)." Belief in a man like Columbus can be an example of how some people's knowledge of history is merely anecdotal. As Robert Anton Wilson would say "I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions." And I suspect that words like that suggest an itellect of more depth than those who will follow and believe ideas without perspective.

You Ain't Got No Job!

2006-10-06T15:54:00.000-05:00

Yes that is right it is Friday and I ain't got shit to do cause I ain't got no job which leaves plenty of time to play with my new blog. I can hear the screams of joy as you are reading this. I am going to try to update a new feature of what I am listening to although I will probably play with where to put the information so that it is easy to see. I changed my voicemail message today and so far that is the highlight of my day. Baseball playoffs continue, NHL just started, football is in full swing and NBA is going to start in Novemeber. Right now I have three fantasy teams- 2 football, 1 hockey, and 1 basketball. What that means is plenty of distraction to help me forget that I am somewhat miserable right now.

Relaxin on Maxin

2006-10-03T16:43:00.000-05:00

Been watching playoff baseball all day and still managed to get a job interview for tomorrow to potentially do some catering. I really hope that I get it since I am out of money, patience, and activities to stave off extremely dangerous levels of boredom. One can only surf the internet, watch tv, and play video games for so long until you are ready to burst from lack of activity. When I lived in Tennessee I had money and nothing to do and now I live in Hollywood and have no money and there are plenty of things to do. Of course it has only been a month but time has a way of creeping up on you when you have no routine.

Distraction

2006-10-02T13:33:00.000-05:00

After A rather unsastifying weekend of watching and playing(Madden) football it is almost the end of week four and Monday night-Time for Packers vs. Eagles. GO PACK. Being a rather rabid or at least avid sports fan I follow the trends of the season. This season so far can be summed up by the user added caption to the picture accompanying this entry. Games have ranged from defensive duels to shootouts with a few surprise wins and losses sprinkled about. The Jets almost beat the Colts when everyone thought the Jags would, Kansas city did better with their back up QB, some teams seasons are already over(Tampa) and the Super Bowl champs look like a shell of the team that won it all last year thanks to free agency and motorcycles and I have not even mentioned fantasy football. I can only imagine the excitment(or boredom) waiting for us as the season unfolds.

I have a dream

2006-09-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been remembering more dreams than perhaps at anytime in my rather short life. For most of my life especially as a young child I distinctly remember not remembering my dreams. I am not sure what has changed but perhaps the great change that I have gone through and continue to go through is why I find myself awaking to new memories that most consider a random combination of thoughts but I find strangely eerie as I am not used to the sensation.

BANG!

2006-09-29T18:34:00.000-05:00

And there was Olaf's blog and it was good. This is the inaugural post on my new blog inspired by my good buddy Erik, who also has a blog on here, where I too can post anything that my heart desires. My own private universe. Enjoy